efexorboy

up up up

2005-12-22T10:30:09Z

Zoloft dose has been increased to 75 mg. I guess I thought I was feeling better last week, but really, it's just the same old circumstantial mood lift that occurs now and then. And right now, I'm living in a bit of a trough. But I guess I should look forward to climbing out of it, when it happens.

grumpiness

2005-12-17T05:35:10Z

I know I haven't updated in a while - probably a good sign that things have been going well. But as always, highs are only temporary and so here I sit typing again. Work has been going well, that is, till last night. Actually, last night went pretty well, but I just felt like the supervisor didn't like me that much... which I know shouldn't matter, because I think I worked well... plus I felt like I was being condescending to the other guy I was working with... I didn't mean to though... blah. All the ellipses (that's what they're called, right) are a sign that I'm tired and not stringing together thoughts too well - got woken up at 6 o'clock by cats making horrific mating calls outside my room. I haven't been sleeping well anyway, I think it's the Zoloft... but I'm seeing my doctor on Tuesday, so if I'm still having concerns, I'll raise them with her.

Spent a lot of money yesterday... and I still haven't finished buying all my Christmas presents. And I've even cut down on my list this year. That doesn't mean I don't love you if I haven't sent you a Christmas present, so don't even think that. I think I've managed to get birthday presents out to most people this year though. I'm a bit worried that now I'm earning a bit more, I'll be tempted to buy more things than I really should. Which I guess should be part of the earning a bit more, but a) I still have to pay my parents back a lot of money and b) if I want to go to France, I should be trying to save up.

efexorboy @ 2005-12-08T10:12:00

2005-12-07T23:22:00Z

I didn't go to uni this morning. :-S Partly because I thought I wouldn't have time to do anything since I was running late and I had to go see my psychologist at 12:30. But he just called and said he couldn't make our appointment today. Blah. I'm not really in the mood to see him, but I guess my mood hasn't been that good the past few days and maybe it would have been good to keep in touch with him and let him know. And I probably could have just turned up for a little bit at uni. Blah.

grumpy

2005-12-07T08:06:30Z

Blah. I'm kinda scared that after my eight weeks off, I won't want to get back to uni. I thought the break would do me some good, clear my mind, but what if it doesn't? After having had three more days away from the lab than usual, I already feel like letting it go. I must try and do some reading over summer to keep myself in touch with the stuff I'm doing, I think. :-S

I hate always feeling alone and yet not enjoying people's company. They invariably seem to either bore or annoy me, I dunno. I don't like it when I'm a grump. It's more fun when I'm in a happy mood.

efexorboy @ 2005-12-04T19:52:00

2005-12-04T08:53:56Z

i think that when i'm high
i can be a little reckless

and when i come back down
i see the folly of it

insomnia

2005-12-01T11:50:12Z

I'm tired, but I can't sleep. It may be a side effect of the Zoloft. I wish I'd gotten more sleeping pills to knock me out, instead of swimming around in my head (forever in my head, tangled in my dreams, you get the gist) and thinking thinking thinking. I'm nervous about the interview tomorrow, for sure. Sigh. I'm also hating coming down from the high that I've sorta been on for 36 hours or so. I wish it would keep going. It felt good.

I wish someone were online to talk to me, but the truth is that even the list of people online I wish to talk to has dwindled. My psychologist and I spoke today of social networks, and how maybe I need to find a foothold into the gay community. I don't really know if that's what I really want. Most people don't interest me. Which I think is bad.

Will try bed again.

stalling

2005-11-29T21:07:47Z

I don't want to go to uni. Not today. Not anymore. I just can't. But I will anyway.

I feel like a bit of a fraud not disclosing my depression with my France application thing. And my doctor okayed me yesterday, but hesitantly, and I'm scared that I shouldn't really be going when a) I will pretty much be alone, and we know how much of an issue that's been for me of late, b) I could be terrible at it, which means that I would feel shitty about it like I feel about uni right now, and that would be bad and c) maybe my motivations for wanting to go aren't completely valid. I'm sending the forms off today. And I don't know whether I should. But I will anyway.

I just want to go back to bed. For a long, long time.

dlo

2005-11-27T12:11:06Z

I think it best that I believe you don't want to see me because I am too much of everything I hate myself to be. But I don't want to believe that. I fantasise that you torture yourself just as I do, and then torture myself even more with the thought that it's probably not true. I don't understand why I want to see you, why I need this charade - and it is just a fucking charade, and one at the expense of too much - that I'm not alone. And I hate sitting on the train home after, the long ride home alone that inevitably succeeds this little game of confusing pretenses. I hate that I have to accept that I have to be alone right now, that there is no other option. I hate that no matter how much catharsis I aim for, I will not be able to get it out of my system.

but

we

shouldn't,

right

efexorboy @ 2005-11-27T19:03:00

2005-11-27T08:04:37Z

it
appears
torturing
my mind
is
a sick
enjoyment
I find
for
myself

Stop thinking

move over efexor

2005-11-27T04:07:06Z

I started on Zoloft today. It's making my stomach feel slightly sick, but the Efexor was worse, I guess.

I'm feeling a little bit irritable right now. I don't feel like seeing anyone and yet I don't want to be alone. Okay, I guess I just don't want to see certain people. Last night, I went out with a couple of old friends and I felt annoyed by them. Which also made me feel bad. I think I've changed a lot recently, probably not for the better. Blah. We watched a movie called "The Machinist". Christian Bale is completely emaciated in it and my friend was pretty disgusted. Yes, it was pretty extreme, but in a way I could identify with the messed-upness of the character and I felt a bit distanced from the others who were just expecting some typical thriller thing. It was quite a simple plot in the end, but I think the execution of it was interesting.

you don't belong and you don't know why

If I like you right now, you should feel special. Because it seems I'm not liking a lot of people.

the beast that is envy

2005-11-26T11:06:25Z

I'm jealous for the affection of someone I'm not even in love with. I am a bad person and I hate that no one else sees that, and I hate even more that I don't want you all to, though I'm telling you anyway. I don't want to feel this way. Am I posting this in the secret desire that you will tell me, "no, you're a good person"? Because I won't believe it. And yet I don't want you to crush me further to the ground by agreeing with me. I am a confused mess. And I am sick and it is time for bed.

i need more chocolate

2005-11-24T10:37:49Z

Screw health, screw looking less fugly - I want chocolate. Lots of it. Or ice cream (and sorbet doesn't count, unfortunately). Something rich (luxurious?) that will make me feel sick after I'm done. And I don't plan on being done for a while. If I had the item in question. Oh, I feel like fries. Maybe Belgian fries with frietsaus. Blah.

I hate uni. I don't give a fuck about my project. I haven't done enough reading, I know. I hate that I have to go in tomorrow. I hate that the weekend will offer a vague, brief respite. I hate that even though I have only two weeks before my break, I don't know if I can make it. Or maybe I just don't want to.

I went to see my psychologist today. And I stupidly told him about how I was feeling on Saturday night. I think he thinks I'm more depressed than I am, while my doctor thinks I'm less depressed than I am. Or she did, anyway - but now he called her and she called me earlier this evening and now I have to see her on Saturday, and maybe now she won't think France is such a good idea any more... it just all sucks. Everything sucks. I'm living too much in my thoughts.

disappointment halted all my dreams

2005-11-20T20:24:06Z

I don't feel like going to uni. I am in a shitty mood. But I guess seeing other people and having to pretend to be normal may help.

I went to bed at 9 last night and woke up at 7. I wish I could go back to sleep, though.

I feel disappointed, though I shouldn't.

There's something disgustingly comforting in feeling as though I deserve all of this, though.

efexorboy @ 2005-11-20T18:06:00

2005-11-20T07:19:28Z

my 2 am thoughts
how far from your window
down to the street?
silly me, I'd never dare

I'm alone
alone
alone
right next to you

keep these feelings
in a green glass bottle
as a stay-away-reminder
when you open your door

I'm alone
alone
alone
right next to you

you tell me I'm not
but I am

have you ever been low

2005-11-14T23:37:19Z

I am at a low point.

I haven't felt this way for about four weeks now, and I think in a sort of naive way, I was hoping that it wouldn't come back again ever. Which was a bit foolish, I suppose.

I didn't help myself by not having breakfast this morning, though I didn't really feel like eating anything I had at home. I think I deserve a bit of a break from uni (I got here at 7:30 in an effort to be diligent), so I may go get a coffee or something in a bit. Maybe that will perk me up somewhat.

The itch seems to have receded a little today, while I'm out of the house, at least. Which is a good thing. Tonsils still hurt, though.

the chocolate store

2005-11-14T10:08:17Z

rows of perfect pleasure
sit in sweet, sweet air
flavoured with cinnamon
champagne or black coffee

I thought today I'd like
to work in a chocolate store
exquisitely blissful
dark milk white joy

I'll take one of these
and have one of those
wrap it up with a bow
would you like a pretty bag?

I thought today I'd like
to work in a chocolate store
melt in your mouth
explosion of glee

bitter yet sweet
how could it not be?
last of the days
still, not the morning after

I thought that day too
of working in a chocolate store
as I held your hand
and walked out that door

je déteste

2005-11-14T09:03:24Z

I hate itching
I hate 'unforgettable moments' on Idol
I hate feeling rejected
I hate nostalgia
I hate experiments
I hate not knowing what I will do
I hate tonsilitis
I hate it all

I hate myself (couldn't forget that one)

efexorboy @ 2005-11-13T15:28:00

2005-11-13T04:34:53Z

I am confused. I don't really want what I had. I don't really want what I have, or even the possibility that what I have may progress to something better.

i want june

I've been sick the past couple of days; it sucks. My throat is killing me each time I sneeze or swallow or sing. Boo. And uni starts again tomorrow. :-S

efexorboy @ 2005-11-11T12:32:00

2005-11-11T01:35:06Z

hate, hate, hate Honours.

Things started to turn around a little this morning, something semi-went well, but just the thought of everything else I have to do... blah. I hate not being stellar at something I have to do. And I certainly am not stellar at this.

Have to pretend to be sociable tonight with people I don't particularly feel like hanging out with. Grrr. I know I shouldn't be so fussy but I'm just not in the mood for all that... Australian-Asianness. But maybe it won't be as bad as I think it will be.

*tries to stay positive*

*fails*

efexorboy @ 2005-11-08T20:10:00

2005-11-08T09:12:13Z

I'm tired; it's been a long day.

there's so much I want
but I don't know, I never do

there's so much I want to say
and yet I find no words

i wish it were forever summer

wake up, wake up on a saturday night

2005-11-05T11:02:15Z

Or go to sleep, you know, whatever.

It's 10 pm on a Saturday night and I'm contemplating bed. I am 21. I wish I were doing something fun. But the fact is, if I were out with people, I'd probably be over-analysing everything and feeling awkwardly separated from everyone else for whatever reason I can think of. I wonder what constitutes a Fun Activity. The movies, at the cinema or on DVD? Going to a club or a bar? Playing board games? I don't know anymore.

The gingerbread/speculaas ice cream that I made is slightly salty and that's a little bizarre. I think I went a little overboard on sprinkling bicarb on the ginger to neutralise the acidity. Oh well. :-/

crappity crap

2005-11-04T07:39:18Z

Today has been SO crap.

Morning was okayish. Woke up late for whatever reason, got really agitated and didn't feel like coming to uni, but coffee high and Kylie fever changed that temporarily. Morning at uni was slack: got in at 10, arranged to have lunch at noon so I figured I'd do whatever I could and then leave the rest till after lunch. Lunch was fine. Felt ready to embark on productive afternoon. Afternoon suuuuuuuuuucked. Maybe I tried to do too many things, but I am so so so so so soooo tired of feeling so bloody incompetent at the stuff I have to do (mainly the counting cells part) and I feel like I'm just not getting anywhere but there seems to be this veneer that I'm doing well at my project. Grah. And then to top it all off, some stupid bird found its way into our lab after EVERYONE else had already left (it apparently came through the roof) and of course none of our windows open, and I didn't know what to do... in the end one of the other researcher people who was still around came and caught it, so that was a major relief. But oh my god. I did not need that fucking bird in my face after today. Another reason to hate birds.

And naturally, I always find a way to make a bad day worse. Go me.

considerations

2005-11-03T09:16:46Z

Work really shitted me today. I'm not sure why, I just didn't feel like being there and do all the things I normally don't mind drowning myself in. And of all days, it has to be on the one when I'm thinking about teaching kids of that age for a year. I'm so not sure if it's a good idea. I just don't know if I'm applying for the right reasons. Anyway, I'm still in a terrible, snappy mood - I thought dinner would make me feel a bit better, and it did for a bit, but now I'm just grumpy again. Hate the thought of going to uni tomorrow. Despise the thought of another boring weekend on my own.

Just found out I managed to save 43 dollars last month. But considering I'm still in debt to my parents, that's not improving my mood too much either. Blah.

efexor..girl

2005-11-02T10:58:47Z

I have come to the conclusion (much like many other LJ users) that WENEEDMOREUSERPICS.

Kirsten may be here only for this post, because I'm feeling a bit girly. *bes embarrassed*

1. I watched Australian Princess tonight.
2. I'm eating canned peach slices because I craved them last week and so I got some. They are so good.
3. I think I'm putting on weight, and I know it shouldn't matter, but it's.. eww.
4. I really should stop eating the peaches.

Uni was pretty terrible today, mainly because I had (or have, rather) a terrible bout of hay fever which has progressively worsened throughout the day despite the ingestion of anti-histamines this morning. And then there was a diarrhoea incident. Let's just not go there. :-S

5. I want to be fawned over.

love me / honey

2005-10-30T10:51:40Z

This is so fourteen-year-old schoolgirl, but

I desperately want a boyfriend.
Someone who can be as crazy about me as I would be about them.
Someone to be sweet when I'm feeling how I am right now.
Someone to be next to me.
Who will be over-awed by me and mean it.
Someone I can give my everything to without it being too much.

don't you want somebody to love