Zoloft dose has been increased to 75 mg. I guess I thought I was feeling better last week, but really, it's just the same old circumstantial mood lift that occurs now and then. And right now, I'm living in a bit of a trough. But I guess I should look forward to climbing out of it, when it happens.

I know I haven't updated in a while - probably a good sign that things have been going well. But as always, highs are only temporary and so here I sit typing again. Work has been going well, that is, till last night. Actually, last night went pretty well, but I just felt like the supervisor didn't like me that much... which I know shouldn't matter, because I think I worked well... plus I felt like I was being condescending to the other guy I was working with... I didn't mean to though... blah. All the ellipses (that's what they're called, right) are a sign that I'm tired and not stringing together thoughts too well - got woken up at 6 o'clock by cats making horrific mating calls outside my room. I haven't been sleeping well anyway, I think it's the Zoloft... but I'm seeing my doctor on Tuesday, so if I'm still having concerns, I'll raise them with her.

Spent a lot of money yesterday... and I still haven't finished buying all my Christmas presents. And I've even cut down on my list this year. That doesn't mean I don't love you if I haven't sent you a Christmas present, so don't even think that. I think I've managed to get birthday presents out to most people this year though. I'm a bit worried that now I'm earning a bit more, I'll be tempted to buy more things than I really should. Which I guess should be part of the earning a bit more, but a) I still have to pay my parents back a lot of money and b) if I want to go to France, I should be trying to save up.

I didn't go to uni this morning. :-S Partly because I thought I wouldn't have time to do anything since I was running late and I had to go see my psychologist at 12:30. But he just called and said he couldn't make our appointment today. Blah. I'm not really in the mood to see him, but I guess my mood hasn't been that good the past few days and maybe it would have been good to keep in touch with him and let him know. And I probably could have just turned up for a little bit at uni. Blah.

Blah. I'm kinda scared that after my eight weeks off, I won't want to get back to uni. I thought the break would do me some good, clear my mind, but what if it doesn't? After having had three more days away from the lab than usual, I already feel like letting it go. I must try and do some reading over summer to keep myself in touch with the stuff I'm doing, I think. :-S

I hate always feeling alone and yet not enjoying people's company. They invariably seem to either bore or annoy me, I dunno. I don't like it when I'm a grump. It's more fun when I'm in a happy mood.

i think that when i'm high
i can be a little reckless

and when i come back down
i see the folly of it

I'm tired, but I can't sleep. It may be a side effect of the Zoloft. I wish I'd gotten more sleeping pills to knock me out, instead of swimming around in my head (forever in my head, tangled in my dreams, you get the gist) and thinking thinking thinking. I'm nervous about the interview tomorrow, for sure. Sigh. I'm also hating coming down from the high that I've sorta been on for 36 hours or so. I wish it would keep going. It felt good.

I wish someone were online to talk to me, but the truth is that even the list of people online I wish to talk to has dwindled. My psychologist and I spoke today of social networks, and how maybe I need to find a foothold into the gay community. I don't really know if that's what I really want. Most people don't interest me. Which I think is bad.

Will try bed again.

I don't want to go to uni. Not today. Not anymore. I just can't. But I will anyway.

I feel like a bit of a fraud not disclosing my depression with my France application thing. And my doctor okayed me yesterday, but hesitantly, and I'm scared that I shouldn't really be going when a) I will pretty much be alone, and we know how much of an issue that's been for me of late, b) I could be terrible at it, which means that I would feel shitty about it like I feel about uni right now, and that would be bad and c) maybe my motivations for wanting to go aren't completely valid. I'm sending the forms off today. And I don't know whether I should. But I will anyway.

I just want to go back to bed. For a long, long time.

I think it best that I believe you don't want to see me because I am too much of everything I hate myself to be. But I don't want to believe that. I fantasise that you torture yourself just as I do, and then torture myself even more with the thought that it's probably not true. I don't understand why I want to see you, why I need this charade - and it is just a fucking charade, and one at the expense of too much - that I'm not alone. And I hate sitting on the train home after, the long ride home alone that inevitably succeeds this little game of confusing pretenses. I hate that I have to accept that I have to be alone right now, that there is no other option. I hate that no matter how much catharsis I aim for, I will not be able to get it out of my system.

but

we

shouldn't,

right

I started on Zoloft today. It's making my stomach feel slightly sick, but the Efexor was worse, I guess.

I'm feeling a little bit irritable right now. I don't feel like seeing anyone and yet I don't want to be alone. Okay, I guess I just don't want to see certain people. Last night, I went out with a couple of old friends and I felt annoyed by them. Which also made me feel bad. I think I've changed a lot recently, probably not for the better. Blah. We watched a movie called "The Machinist". Christian Bale is completely emaciated in it and my friend was pretty disgusted. Yes, it was pretty extreme, but in a way I could identify with the messed-upness of the character and I felt a bit distanced from the others who were just expecting some typical thriller thing. It was quite a simple plot in the end, but I think the execution of it was interesting.

you don't belong and you don't know why

If I like you right now, you should feel special. Because it seems I'm not liking a lot of people.